Friday, December 31, 2010

Dream Height

I wish I were 6ft. tall (183cm) or minimum 180cm.
I know I wasn't born as an eye candy so at least being tall looks hotter or sexier.
Truthfully, I am disappointed with my height.

I think I deserve that since I didn't put much efforts to improve it.

Still, I couldn't bear the embarrassment when tall girls look down on me.

Sigh...


Friday, December 24, 2010

I realised the truth about myself

I have been living as so many different persons in fantasy.
Upon realising other oddness of behaviours I have with careful "self-observation" for years, I had came to a conclusion that I'm having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or previously known as the Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).
I did some tests online and the results are as expected but I am yet to confirm that I'm suffering from the disorder.

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Retrieved 2010 from http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/des/result2.html?76.4
Test ran on 2010 from http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/des/index.html

Dissociative Experiences Scale Test Answers

Total score of: 76 (30 or Above, Higher Association With DID)

Your answers to this Dissociative Identity Disorder screening test fall into the range with a higher association with DID.

The Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) was developed by Eve Bernstein Carlson, Ph.D. and Frank W. Putnam, M.D.

One of the test I did.

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Friday, December 10, 2010

New journey in life

Goodbye the nerdy old me.
No more wasting time.
Play hard and study hard.
Dear Jiann Nan, please be confident in yourself.
Say no more to the past, welcome the new you with all your heart.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sports Chosun, You Owned

Well, after reading the article, I laughed so hard. Hence, I can come up with a conclusion that the Sport Chosun’s writer on this article either has no common sense or he is pressured to write an article without putting much of his own thought on it.

First of all, why in the world would report on a well-known artist sexual harassed by a perverted old man damages the image of the particular artist? Allkpop reports on the news because they think what the old guy did is wrong and the girl deserves a justice and that the public should know the news and stand up for the girl. Isn’t it obvious that Allkpop is reporting on the news to protect the girl?

Second of all, how has the report even damage the national image of Korea. This has nothing to do with the national image of Korea. The only thing that a wise person can relate the whole incident to damaging the national image of Korea is that the person who is accused of the malicious act is a Korean. Otherwise, how would the news relate to the national image of Korea? The bad news is none of the readers can be certain of the man’s nationality except for himself.

Third of all, who are SM and Sports Chosun to say what is right is right and what is true is the truth? Basically, are they trying to tell everyone in the world that what SM and Sports Chosun said must be the truth and everything Allkpop had reported is wrong? Who gave them the authority to defame Allkpop and said what was reported is wrong and what were reported by them is real. Nobody knows what the truth is except for the guy who is accused for the sexual harassment. How can they blame Allkpop for reporting made-up news and accuse Allkpop for trying to spread “anti-Korea” mindset to others.

Fourth of all, would not this news be more harmful to the man who is accused for doing such immoral acts rather than to the image of Jessica or Korea if he did not perform the act? However, the writer of the article from Sports Chosun has never mentioned anything about this man. Instead, the article emphasized so much on the irrelevant excuses such as damaging Jessica’s image and the national image of Korea. Isn’t it easier to identify and interview the accused if they want to convince the whole world that Jessica wasn’t sexual harassed by the man? It sounds a hundred times more convincing to me as a reader that way. Why did not they do a thorough research on it and then publish to the public instead of simply believing what they were told?

Readers are wise enough to know what’s true and what’s not and not for any of the media to decide for what we should believe in and what we are believing is wrong.

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This was what I wrote for Allkpop after reading a ridiculous news article from Sports Chosun that accuse Allkpop in damaging Jessica's reputation and national image of Korea and trying to spread the "Anti-Korea" mindset to the whole world. Damn! I am so angry about this!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

--------less


Life feels so meaningless.
It's like performing on the stage with no audiences down there to appreciate you...

The future is intangible and so far ahead...
What does the current really mean to us?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

More worries

Dad's eyes are getting worse; Mum's getting old and less energetic.
How long more can they support the family?!

Aside from worrying their health, I have to work and learn harder.

Hopefully it's just about the right time when I step into the working society and give support to the family.

Sigh...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Results Day


Cautiously, I entered my user ID and password into the system to check my results on Thursday.
My breathing stopped seconds before I clicked on the Achievement link.
Pop! My name, the first thing that came to my sight.
Then... A A.....B+.
For a second, I thought I got some Bs and Cs and I was like, God, I'm so screwed.
Then I looked carefully again on the alphabets on the very right side of the table.
There was this B+ but along with the other As.Bulleted List
Yes, the others were As.
My lungs were back right after that.
What a relieved, I sighed, probably still couldn't be absolutely clear of what was happening.
4.0 for the rest and a B+ for a subject I was so sure I could have got an A for it.
I sighed again.
Maybe I was just too greedy or I never did appreciate what was in front of me.
Then for another moment, I thought, it was so tiring to do the best for everything I do.
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I have another 4years to complete my course or another 8 semesters to work my ass out excluding my 6 months internship.
This is just the beginning and I'm already feeling tired.
I'm always doing the best in everything I do.
The ending is somehow rewarding sometimes but the process is really painful.
I have to shape and discipline my mind so stiff to do best for everything I do.
Yes, I hate disciplines.
I used to be such a cheerful person that thinks nothing but only fun and joy.
However, that was when I haven't realized the ugly truth behind the value of money in this pathetic world.
I wonder what kind of person would I become when money is not of a concern to me anymore somewhere in the future.
Perhaps Junior Jiann Nan once more? Probably.

Yup, that's me with grandma'.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sick


(>.<)
Coughing non-stop.
I need someone to volunteer themselves to scratch my throat.
Anyone?! Lolz...
@.@ The medicines make me dizzy all the time.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Jealousy and Mocking


I was raised in a situation where
if you want something, you have to work really hard to get it yourself.
Looking at the people around getting what they wished for with much lesser efforts,
I couldn't restrain the arousal of jealousy spreading out of nowhere.
No matter how overwhelmed am I by jealousy, I had to rope myself down.
Keeping that jealousy somewhere furthest from my face and closest to my heart.
With conscience, my mind survived and remained intact.
Knowing that jealousy would not bring me anywhere but only adequate efforts would.

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Should I say that people around like to take me for granted or do they think it is okay to hurt someone's heart like mine because they think I'll be alright with that and that they're so much better?
I'm tired of the mocking, 19years of living with 8/10 of the time living under those unbearable and disrespectful ridicules.
Neither of them tries to understand.
Immature and ignorant beings,
I hate you all to the bottom of the ocean when you say those things without taking into consideration a person's feeling.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Music-Souled Child

Musics and songs feed my soul so much they make my heart warm when darkness is there to engulf my lonely soul.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

I'm so upset I think I should just die

It's not the first time.
I'm the victim so I confronted the problem and after that I became the culprit/ the ****ing bad guy? I feel so down and hurt everytime I'm trying to solve an issue with him.

He made me like a fool. I'm trying to let him know my feelings and that guy made me like an idiot that I have to say sorry so many times to him for trying to do that everytime when we have arguements.

That ****er made me believe I'm always the wrong & bad guy everytime without failed. Sometimes, I really feel like I'm so useless in this world that I should end me life. That f-er made my soul cry so much.

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How much I wish I have someone to listen to my problems and have a hug with.
Things are really too hard for me...for the past so many years and on-going now
Maybe I should really just end my life.
*My soul really need some comforts*