Decisions

Decisions.
Some people say it's easy to make a decision because all you have to do is picking sides.
Especially if you're a guy, those around would tease you if you can't make a quick decision to solve a problem.
It would be so embarrassing and disappointing if people see you as someone who can't make a decision fast.
Yes I understand all the above but I find it hard to pick against what I want and what I think I "should" get.
It becomes so annoying to me when it comes to choosing one out of these two
And what worsens it is that I always go for what I think I "should" get, be it consciously or unconsciously.
Well, a friend of mine said that it is probable that after doing what will benefit you, you've got tonnes of chance to do anything you like
Of course, that sounds right.
It's just that sometimes I feel so regretful and pissed off because I didn't pick the first choice, which is focusing on my own desire more.
That's because most of the time these "benefits" seem very intangible to me as it will only affects me somewhere in the future.
I follow shades my whole life.
Should I be thankful that I'm following the "shade" because the footsteps are leading me
Or
Should I get myself out of the shade, walk my own path and let shades follow?
It's like go left to follow or go right to walk yourself.
I always wanted the latter but I always chose the former
Not because that I don't love myself but it's rather that I'm afraid that the guilt and regret will assault me afterwards for not choosing this wise decison.

I hate myself.