More worries

Dad's eyes are getting worse; Mum's getting old and less energetic.
How long more can they support the family?!
Aside from worrying their health, I have to work and learn harder.
Hopefully it's just about the right time when I step into the working society and give support to the family.
Sigh...

Results Day

Cautiously, I entered my user ID and password into the system to check my results on Thursday.
My breathing stopped seconds before I clicked on the Achievement link.
Pop! My name, the first thing that came to my sight.
Then... A A.....B+.
For a second, I thought I got some Bs and Cs and I was like, God, I'm so screwed.
Then I looked carefully again on the alphabets on the very right side of the table.
There was this B+ but along with the other As.
Yes, the others were As.
My lungs were back right after that.
What a relieved, I sighed, probably still couldn't be absolutely clear of what was happening.
4.0 for the rest and a B+ for a subject I was so sure I could have got an A for it.
I sighed again.
Maybe I was just too greedy or I never did appreciate what was in front of me.
Then for another moment, I thought, it was so tiring to do the best for everything I do.
===================================================================

I have another 4years to complete my course or another 8 semesters to work my ass out excluding my 6 months internship.
This is just the beginning and I'm already feeling tired.
I'm always doing the best in everything I do.
The ending is somehow rewarding sometimes but the process is really painful.
I have to shape and discipline my mind so stiff to do best for everything I do.
Yes, I hate disciplines.
I used to be such a cheerful person that thinks nothing but only fun and joy.
However, that was when I haven't realized the ugly truth behind the value of money in this pathetic world.
I wonder what kind of person would I become when money is not of a concern to me anymore somewhere in the future.
Perhaps Junior Jiann Nan once more? Probably.

Yup, that's me with grandma'.

Sick

(>.<)
Coughing non-stop.
I need someone to volunteer themselves to scratch my throat.
Anyone?! Lolz...
@.@ The medicines make me dizzy all the time.

Jealousy and Mocking

I was raised in a situation where
if you want something, you have to work really hard to get it yourself.
Looking at the people around getting what they wished for with much lesser efforts,
I couldn't restrain the arousal of jealousy spreading out of nowhere.
No matter how overwhelmed am I by jealousy, I had to rope myself down.
Keeping that jealousy somewhere furthest from my face and closest to my heart.
With conscience, my mind survived and remained intact.
Knowing that jealousy would not bring me anywhere but only adequate efforts would.

====================================================================

Should I say that people around like to take me for granted or do they think it is okay to hurt someone's heart like mine because they think I'll be alright with that and that they're so much better?
I'm tired of the mocking, 19years of living with 8/10 of the time living under those unbearable and disrespectful ridicules.
Neither of them tries to understand.
Immature and ignorant beings,
I hate you all to the bottom of the ocean when you say those things without taking into consideration a person's feeling.

Music-Souled Child

Musics and songs feed my soul so much they make my heart warm when darkness is there to engulf my lonely soul.

I'm so upset I think I should just die

It's not the first time.
I'm the victim so I confronted the problem and after that I became the culprit/ the ****ing bad guy? I feel so down and hurt everytime I'm trying to solve an issue with him.

He made me like a fool. I'm trying to let him know my feelings and that guy made me like an idiot that I have to say sorry so many times to him for trying to do that everytime when we have arguements.

That ****er made me believe I'm always the wrong & bad guy everytime without failed. Sometimes, I really feel like I'm so useless in this world that I should end me life. That f-er made my soul cry so much.

====================================================================

How much I wish I have someone to listen to my problems and have a hug with.
Things are really too hard for me...for the past so many years and on-going now
Maybe I should really just end my life.
*My soul really need some comforts*

F____ YOU

F*** you, asshole.
You did something and pissed somebody off and that somebody f*** you on that and what? You f*** that person back? Because his tone made you uncomfortable?
F*** you.
F*** YOU, you always lock the door of the washroom, causes inconvenience and discomforts to me and YOU F*** YOURSELF SAYING YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING F*** WRONG AND F*** ME FOR SCREWING YOU ON THAT ISSUE?! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU'RE BEING CARELESS AND THERE'S NOTHING F*** YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT?

===================================================================

F*** YOU.
What the f***. You did something that pisses someone off and YOU F***ING LOUD SAID YOU DIDN'T ANYTHING F*** WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING CARELESS?
How can you push everything to being careless and said you couldn't do anything f*** with it.
I told you try not to do it again because I'm already f***ed off by you AND WHAT? YOU F*** ME FOR SAYING THAT TO YOU?
HOW CAN A PERSON F*** SOMEONE WITHOUT A SLIGHT ANGRY TONE?
I'm f***ing you because you caused inconvenience to me, AND YOU F*** ME BACK for that, saying you did nothing wrong?
YOU MADE SOMEONE UNEASE AND THAT PERSON DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AND RAISE EVEN A SLIGHT ANGRY TONE AT YOU?
F*** YOURSELF!

===================================================================

F*** YOU, ASSHOLE ON THE FACE.
OKAY, When I refer to this issue, you'll always say SORRY and I'm thankful. BUT SAYING SORRY AND DOING AGAIN is another f***ing thing.
I made a slight angry tone to tell you can you try not to do it again and you F*** me for that?
I wanted you remembered not to do it again so I told you that.
And what now? I got f***ed back for that?
F***uck you!
The most interesting thing is when you kept repeating that you did NOTHING F*** WRONG and was just being careless and you couldn't anything about it WITH YOUR F***ING FINGER POINTING AT ME AND F***ING LOUD AND ANGRY TONE?
YOU F*** ME FOR F***ING YOU BECAUSE YOU CAUSES DISCOMFORTS TO ME?!
F***! Doing something carelessly didn't mean you did nothing F*** WRONG, instead it means you did a mistake that it's still could be forgiven.
NOT THAT YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
F*** YOU, asshole!
HOW CAN YOU PUSH EVERY FUCKING MISTAKE TO BEING CARELESS!
DID NOTHING WRONG? F*** YOU, PIECE OF SHIT!

===================================================================

People f***ed you for doing something wrong, you don't reflect and try understand people's feeling for doing that and f*** people back?
You never try to think in the shoes of others, especially me or maybe only me.
Why did people f*** you?
It's because you pissed them off!
And you f***ed them for being too sensitive and that you had no wrongs?
Every time I f***ed you on an issue when you caused inconvenience and discomforts, I GOT SHIITY F***ED BACK BY YOU?
People f***ed you because you did something wrong, AND WHAT?
You pissed someone off and that person do not have the right to f*** you about that?!
AND THE BEST is YOU F***ED THEM BACK?

===================================================================

F*** YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You think I wanna' argue with you so much?
I have nothing F*** to do?
I don't even wanna' know anything about you.
Why would somebody f*** you for nothing?
Nothing better to do than wasting this sort of time?
People won't just F*** you for nothing.
There must be a reason behind for everything a person do.
What the F***!
You did something, people trying to make you realise that and...
YOU F***ING DON'T REFLECT ON YOURSELF AND F*** PEOPLE FOR SAYING THAT OR BEHAVING LIKE THAT TO YOU?
I F*** YOU FOR CAUSING DISCOMFORTS AND INCONVENIENCE TO ME AND IN TURN YOU MADE ME LIKE A FOOL SO GUILTY LIKE I DID F***ING WRONG STUFF TO YOU.
YES, THAT F***ING WRONG STUFF IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU REALISE YOU DID SOMETHING THAT CAUSED INCONVENIENCE AND DISCOMFORTS TO ME.
I DON'T EVEN DESERVE THE RIGHT TO DO A SIMPLE THING AS THAT?
AND I GOT F***ED BACK DOUBLE OR TRIPLE THE INTENSITY?

TO: Mr. T

Dear friend

Dear friend,
Allow time to wash away all the sorrows in your heart
Allow steel chains to wrap tight around the unwanted memories
Allow undertakers to bury that unhappy and loathing feeling to the core of the earth
Allow light to once again shine upon you
Allow yourself to immerse in the sea of peace and love once more
Stand up shall you gradually
=)

===================================================================

O~OGosh, I've never thought KY is this heavy, until now. (>.<)

Ever-Changing Environment

Hello strangers.

Not always about yourself anymore

Life that we are having now is not everything about us anymore.
As many will be watching us in everything we do.
It's not about what you want to do and being yourself anymore.
Because your presence links to the presences of other human beings,
therefore, in every action you take, there will be feedback and response.
Someone who thinks they lead a good life may not be as the same in the eyes of the others.

People, me and my life

Really, there are all kinds of people in this world.
So many different kinds of thinking and perception.
And I always got criticized in everything I do despite I've been trying very hard to become a better myself.
Got really tired of living but giving up on my life also shows that I've lost to my life and everyone.

No, not after I've been living 19 years under the people's contempt.
No matter how many times people's words have stabbed me from every angle so hard into my heart, I'll have to stand up and force myself to walk down the road.
That's the only way for me to stay alive as I'm not ready to let go of the sweets of this world yet.
No matter how much I wish I could stab these people back with a larger, sharper and deadlier knife.In the end, I gave up.
I gave up every time before the knife pierced through the lungs and hearts of the people.
Thinking about the consequences and unnecessity of the action of hurting someone I've never thought of hurting of.Yes, I cowardly gave up the knife in my hand.
Yes, I'm a coward.
Even if I know how much satisfaction and pride I could earned back with just another one more step.

Sigh... I'm a freaking coward compared to the people around me.
My objective of living is not to harm people, instead I want some recognitions from the people around, at least my friends and form warm relationships with everyone.
I don't want to be hated but I know I already am.Sigh...
No matter how dark and lonely the present and future may seems.
I'll walk down the path even if it means that arrows from everywhere will form shafts through my body.
I'll walk...